So the weekend is over and I have to be honest I achieved nothing, yes big fat zero! Previously I would have let this get to me today and whilst I am struggling with knowing what my next move is, I am not letting the dark clouds gather. This may sound trivial but not if you have ever been depressed and I mean properly suffering from depression, then you will know what I mean.
I am as depression free as possible, as in my current state of mind, however I know those clouds are just sitting nearby and if I let them they will soon start gathering and raining their gloom on me, sucking me into the negative thought patterns that chew me up very slowly before piling more and more down until I am right back down to the bottom, where I was once in my life. Thankfully I have learnt a lot, I control it rather than let it control me but it does remain a struggle on days such as today for reasons I cannot explain to myself let alone you, the reader. It is so weird that in the blink of an eye I can be lifted by a ray of sunshine (yes literally just a ray!), unexpected welcome contact from a friend or acquaintance, a smile from a stranger, or just simply managing to get the evening meal preparations under way! Ridiculous isn’t it but on days like today I have just felt stuck. Stuck in what I do not know, striving for something maybe, searching for answers to life’s burdens, I really cannot say. I may not be making a lot of sense but this is my minds words.
Writing is what I love to do. Some days I just love putting my thoughts down on paper, the computer or whatever, it just feels good. Maybe no-one will read my ramblings and so, does that really matter, will it change how I feel after tapping away? No it really won’t, but to let your thoughts out, in whatever manner you choose, face to face, on a site like this, good old pen & paper, it matters not. What does matter is to get your thoughts out because if you don’t they will just keep going around and around in your mind and thats when you get ‘choked’ by your own mind. This can be interpreted as feeling low, down, in a mess or even depressed but in my opinion that is just not the case. If you actually stop to think for a minute or two, think how your mind thoughts happen all the time, even without your choice to do so. See, Ive already said to think twice in the previous sentence so there’s a couple more thoughts to add to the queue! So, if you don’t talk to others in anyway during your day, you are left with all these thoughts, words, worries choking each other up in a queue, looking for an exit of any kind. Then when you do start to chat, it is unlikely they will all come out of course, thus the choked jam is merely lessened a little. So for now I continue to tap away here hoping it will relieve a bit of a mind jam I seemed to have got into today for no reason other than I did and yes it is helping me, as I knew it would.
As I think I have said before the last year has been a huge journey for me which at the time of writing has not reached a conclusion. The reason being is that part of my fate if you like to think of it as that, is indeed in the hands of others. The frustration could be too much to bear but I am trying to apply my relatively new sense of not worrying, to my current position. I have to say it is so very hard at times as at any minute I could receive a call, a letter or maybe even a visit, who knows and then the choices are open again All I do know is that the sooner it happens the better so I can then choose the new path I am to trek along. Of course if the world was not ruled by money then I could choose my own path completely but bills have to be paid, we have to eat etc etc.
I do not watch much television but recently have watched a few programmes about people living ‘off the grid’. The frozen wastes of Alaska and the gorgeous warm climes of Australia. It makes me wonder every time, could I do that, would I find peace and contentment or would I just go crazy as so many do. I do not suppose I will ever know as my current financial state is too say the least perilous so even if I was to become brave enough to jump right in there, funds would prevent me but I do admire folks who do, particularly the ones that seem to blossom in contentment, as if they have found their ‘home’ at last. We all have a ‘home’, a place where we truly are content and feel we belong to even when no reasonable reason can be found. It could be off the grid, in the middle of a bustling city or in an underground cave system, the possible places are endless.
I feel at home now although I was born over 300 miles away. I have finally found happiness and contentment in my personal life which I have never had before so that is an amazing positive. I have a gorgeous son who I adore but to whom I owe so much too. I was not there for him for several of his important, developing years and for that all I can do is hope that one day he will properly understand my reasons at the time. I do not properly understand them myself I have to say with an honest heart. He unknowingly has taught me how precious life is and how rapidly our time passes. He has also taught me how perilous life can be too, but thats another story.
So, as I take a sigh and read back my words I am pleased that at least to myself they make sense and give a true picture of where I am today. Who knows what tomorrow, this evening or even the next minute may bring but good, bad or ugly I’m here, ready and if not able will become so if thats what it takes as what choice do I have, I can only deal with whatever comes along and that is all any of us can do. Heres a phrase I truly dislike but it fits this bill ~ bring it on!
By the way, my video debut of our Eric has had a whopping 69 views with one like………..well its a start!